I opened this blog nearly a month ago but have done nothing with it. I have not been sure whether or not I wanted to have a blog devoted to my recovery. But nearly every day I have something that I want to post about my new struggle with sobriety this time, but don't really feel comfortable posting it on my homeschool/family life blog. I mean it just doesn't feel right to write: my daughter read two pages by herself and then tackled math all by herself, and today all I really want to do is lay on the sofa and get wasted because I am such a horrible person.
Anyway, I need a place to vent, and put it out there. And, well, if this blog does as well as my others I will enjoy having two or three readers a day.
I will give the short version of who I am. My name is Amy. I am 31 yrs old and the mother to three daughters (6, 3, 1). I originally came into the program in 1993 (age 18) after a stay at a mental hospital to be treated for depression and self-mutilation. During out-patient they decided that *I* may have a problem with my drinking. So, in order to be released from the hospital program I went to some meetings. I could totally see myself in the rooms, but being 18 I could not, could not imagine not drinking. So after several slips and white chips and getting really pissed at someone in the program, I decided that I would not go back. Over the next 9 months my life went to hell - AA ruined my drinking for me and I set out to make everyone else as miserable as I felt. By December of that year I was totally alone and felt like I could not face another day. After, apparently, presenting an oral presentation on a sociology paper in a blackout I decided that maybe I should give AA another try. I slipped again, twice, before finally achieving some lasting sobriety in Feb 1994. For 2 1/2 years I really worked the program. I was always there, as I had nothing else in my life. My friends were all AA's because my other friends had dumped me before I came back. Then I slowly began to be able to be in society again and function. And instead of working the program I began to hang around AA for another couple of years. In 1999 I had my first daughter and decided that there was just no way that I could make it to meetings anymore, so I didn't. And in Jan 2002 I took my first drink in nearly 8 years while on a business trip so my dh would not find out. I came back, not scared from that one experience and was ready to do some more testing, only to find out I was pregnant with daughter number 2. During the next 3 years, I didn't drink and really entered a period of a dry drunk. I didn't drink out of fear. Fear of what I would become, fear of losing my husband. Co-dependency became the name of my game. This summer DH went back out and it freed me from those fears because I now had "permission". It took me three drinks to realize this was absolute insanity at work. All I wanted to do from the first drink was be drunk. So I became depressed and a raving lunatic and all I wanted to do was run away from my family so I could go somewhere and get drunk, and stay drunk. In October, for a lack of anywhere else to turn I came back to the program. I was graced in the beginning of having the depression and compulsion lifted for awhile. Then in late November they returned like a hammer. I gave in on my daughters six birthday - left a meeting, ha lunch with another member and then went to the store and bought vodka. I spent the rest of my daughter's birthday, except for the family party time, curled on the sofa drinking. All it did was make me even madder at the insanity that is alcoholism. It didn't stop anything.
So, I have today and have managed to string 23 today's together. The compulsion is there, but I refuse to do battle with it today - because I will lose every single time. My ego is kicking my ass, because I keep thinking that I would be coming up on 12 years in Feb. But I kissed that goodbye a long time ago. But, it makes me mad as hell. I beat myself up with the bat so much because I knew better. Being smart (intellectual) has in general been one of my biggest handicaps. I have to make everything so much more difficult than it is. It is what it is and I want to blow it up into some huge calculus problem.
I want to use this blog as a place for me to digest things, be honest about my life and working the steps.
Amy
Anyway, I need a place to vent, and put it out there. And, well, if this blog does as well as my others I will enjoy having two or three readers a day.
I will give the short version of who I am. My name is Amy. I am 31 yrs old and the mother to three daughters (6, 3, 1). I originally came into the program in 1993 (age 18) after a stay at a mental hospital to be treated for depression and self-mutilation. During out-patient they decided that *I* may have a problem with my drinking. So, in order to be released from the hospital program I went to some meetings. I could totally see myself in the rooms, but being 18 I could not, could not imagine not drinking. So after several slips and white chips and getting really pissed at someone in the program, I decided that I would not go back. Over the next 9 months my life went to hell - AA ruined my drinking for me and I set out to make everyone else as miserable as I felt. By December of that year I was totally alone and felt like I could not face another day. After, apparently, presenting an oral presentation on a sociology paper in a blackout I decided that maybe I should give AA another try. I slipped again, twice, before finally achieving some lasting sobriety in Feb 1994. For 2 1/2 years I really worked the program. I was always there, as I had nothing else in my life. My friends were all AA's because my other friends had dumped me before I came back. Then I slowly began to be able to be in society again and function. And instead of working the program I began to hang around AA for another couple of years. In 1999 I had my first daughter and decided that there was just no way that I could make it to meetings anymore, so I didn't. And in Jan 2002 I took my first drink in nearly 8 years while on a business trip so my dh would not find out. I came back, not scared from that one experience and was ready to do some more testing, only to find out I was pregnant with daughter number 2. During the next 3 years, I didn't drink and really entered a period of a dry drunk. I didn't drink out of fear. Fear of what I would become, fear of losing my husband. Co-dependency became the name of my game. This summer DH went back out and it freed me from those fears because I now had "permission". It took me three drinks to realize this was absolute insanity at work. All I wanted to do from the first drink was be drunk. So I became depressed and a raving lunatic and all I wanted to do was run away from my family so I could go somewhere and get drunk, and stay drunk. In October, for a lack of anywhere else to turn I came back to the program. I was graced in the beginning of having the depression and compulsion lifted for awhile. Then in late November they returned like a hammer. I gave in on my daughters six birthday - left a meeting, ha lunch with another member and then went to the store and bought vodka. I spent the rest of my daughter's birthday, except for the family party time, curled on the sofa drinking. All it did was make me even madder at the insanity that is alcoholism. It didn't stop anything.
So, I have today and have managed to string 23 today's together. The compulsion is there, but I refuse to do battle with it today - because I will lose every single time. My ego is kicking my ass, because I keep thinking that I would be coming up on 12 years in Feb. But I kissed that goodbye a long time ago. But, it makes me mad as hell. I beat myself up with the bat so much because I knew better. Being smart (intellectual) has in general been one of my biggest handicaps. I have to make everything so much more difficult than it is. It is what it is and I want to blow it up into some huge calculus problem.
I want to use this blog as a place for me to digest things, be honest about my life and working the steps.
Amy
posted by Amy at
12:24 AM
1 Comments:
It's not easy being open and honest about our struggles, so making a blog to write about is a huge step. I will pray that you meet some people through this blog who can help and encourage you through it all. I personally don't drink, for several reasons. One being that I love the taste, and one drink just won't do. I know how easily I become out of control. It is a major weakness for me so I choose not to touch it at all, and haven't since I meet my hubby over 8 years ago. Believe me, God spared my life more then I can count. Another reason is something I have become strongly convicted of in recent years. I never want to be a stumbling stone for someone who may struggle with it. Example - say we just meet, and say we lived near each other, and wanted to go have a girls night out and get dinner and gab. Well, what if I ordered a drink and sat there and had one or two in front of you. And what if I had not known you had/have a struggle with alcohol. To me, I would totally be doing you wrong and setting you up for temptation and possible failure. I hope I can be an encouragement to you in some way, even if I'm not familiar with the AA program. Just from what you wrote, you are a beautiful person inside! Glad I found your site! :)
By
Kate, at 4:14 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home